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You may know me already from other spheres of the internet. Most notably, Perfect Dark. No need for introduction in that respect. If you google Perfect Dark Zero, I'm on the first page of images.
But every human being is multiple, you are authentically more than one thing. In every regard, my online presence as "Fos the PDZ girl" or "The Perfect Dark Girl" Is absolutely nothing less than completely authentic.
But in any case, I am more than just that one thing. Before I even picked up a controller, I was drawing and creating stories. That has always and will always be my lifelong passion. I'm a true believer in giving every creation you make the best stage that it can possibly have, and sharing my unrelated artwork and works of fiction alongside a sea of Perfect Dark insanity is not that stage.
So, if you're reading this, and you're from Perfect Dark, please note that only a portion of this page (EARTH TO FOS) and sometimes the blog may contain Perfect Dark related stuff. Otherwise, the rest of the work here will be my uncensored, no TLDR, or fluffed original thoughts and works.
Sometimes, my work might make you feel uncomfortable.
If you don't think you'll like that, I won't be offended by you not visiting my page.
I suppose I should get around to the part where I introduce myself:
Hello, I'm Fos, or Joanna if you prefer. I'm an 18-year-old artist and writer who has been sharpening some stories for the better part of a decade. I work in traditional, digital, and 3D mediums. I try everything that I can get my hands on because, at the end of the day, it makes me a more well-rounded individual.
I like trying new skills, collecting things, and exploring the human mind.
And as much as The Perfect Dark Girl represents my true, authentic self, so does this page.
I grew up in a small town in upstate New York. Growing up I never had that many friends, some years I would have a big group, and other years I was completely by myself. As I got through high school being alone never bothered me anymore. I started to enjoy and value the alone time I got from not having to constantly be a social butterfly at 6 in the morning.
For whatever reason it may be, I get sick a whole lot, and in my last few years of high school, I missed over an entire semester's worth of days. It got so bad that the school was sending letters home to my parents to tell them that I was missing an extraordinary amount of days. And when I'd show up at the nurse's office, she already was prepared to call home. Often it was assumed I was faking it, but I was just that sick. Sure there were days where I faked it, but no more than a normal kid does. Most days it was the teachers or classmates demanding I go to the nurse. I still get just as sick, but I try to work through my tough moments to stay on top of things. especially now that I'm an adult or whatever.
Apart from the sickness, as I got older my relationship with the people in my life was slowly dwindling out. I felt like I needed to live two lives just to keep two sets of people happy, my friends, and my family. It got harder and by the time I was 17, I had completely burnt myself out. It was like I was drifting through life in my own body, but watching it from the 3rd person. When I did feel well enough to go to school, I'd skip three or four classes a day to sit in the library and draw or sleep. I'd get out early by writing myself notes and just heading home for the day. And when I wasn't in school I wasn't at home either, I spent most of my time working at Walgreens (Which I enjoyed) Or walking around town listening to music. I can look back on it fondly and think about how nice the freedom was, but I understand that at the time I wasn't truly "happy" It was more than all responsibility had left my life and I didn't truly care if it ended the next day, so I was living like I wouldn't see tomorrow. I honestly felt nothing, You would have to experience it to understand what I'm talking about.
It was like the idea of feeling something had become a threat. I started to avoid people I cared about because the idea of the happiness they brought me felt like it would be too much to bear.
I knew for a long time that I was running away on my 18th birthday, like, a long time. I was the only person who knew that I would, truly, for a long time. If anyone tried to convince you otherwise, then all I'll say is hindsight is 20/20. It was bluntly obvious I was running away, In fact in the months leading up to my 18th, I had all of my earthly possessions packed into the back of my tiny car, and I had even started to count down on my school papers. My room (which was normally very full) Lacked every single thing in it. I was going out daily to ship things off to Alabama where I was moving to. No one noticed that this was happening right under their noses. And as much as I'd love to give myself credit for being some sort of undercover agent, the only credit I can give is to the adults in my life who frankly cared so little about me that they didn't even notice that I'd plan to leave and never come back. There was one person who I did make aware, my best friend from grade school. I grew up with her, we were practically sisters. I hung out with her a lot before I moved. I had a car and a job so if she wanted to go somewhere, I'd take her. If she wanted to walk, we walked. I knew that after I moved I wouldn't see her like this for a while, so I wanted to make the most of the time I had left. I made sure to remind her every time I saw her that I was moving away on my birthday.
She called me over the day before my birthday in a panic, wanting me to explain again what was happening, where I was going, and every detail, and we went over everything piece by piece until her nerves were at ease. Honestly, though, I was pretty anxious. She could tell anyone what was happening, and my plans would have been ruined. I wasn't willing to risk that for anyone besides her. I made sure to tell her that after I left, she could tell my parents the whole thing, I didn't care. The reason the whole thing had to be a ridiculous full-scale rescue operation in the first place is because my parents would never just allow me to leave like this, even if I was 60. I've seen what's happened to my siblings, my brother who is in and out of jail, can't seem to get a break or control himself for the better. Or my successful sister but a perpetually broke anxious mess. Perhaps I'm narcissistic, or can't look far enough past my own pride to carry out the dreams of my family, but I couldn't continue how I was living. I think if I had done it for even one more day, I would have finally driven my car off the bridge I crossed on my way home.
Ever since moving, my life has only gotten better. There are times when I wish things could have turned out differently, but at the end of the day, no one can change what has happened. Not even god. But everyone has the power to change what happens next. Even me.
Ever since the move I've fallen out of contact with everyone from NY, for one reason or another. My parents stole some money from me and I don't wish to talk to them for several reasons. My sister was convinced by them that I was always distant. (Which wasn't true. I spent a lot of time with her, I was just always a homebody.) I was never really in touch with my brother in the first place. Some things have changed recently, I've gotten back into speaking with my childhood best friend. I'm excited by whats to come.
And because I know you're reading this...
I need not justify nor explain anything to you that I've written. I'm tired of being polite and lying to make people feel better about themselves. For my sister; No, I don't think of you as a "broke anxious mess." These words were yours when describing yourself after you called me up crying because you had no money to go out with your friends or eat food, our parents taking money from your every paycheck. We used to talk for hours about how we'd like to get away from it all. I'm sorry that I had the guts to. You left, just in a way they preferred. And for the rest, I no longer feel obligated to explain what has happened. You clearly see things differently, but I know how I feel, and I know what happened. And you know what happened. What has happened to me has struck me deep to my core, and I wish things could have turned out differently. But you made the decision. I want to move on now. This section is about my past, and I plan on keeping it that way. And for the love of all things good, please stop harassing me and my new family. I feel one step away from witness protection because of your behavior. If you feel defensive right now, this is directed at you.
Despite everything the past few years, and how hard it's been on me, I've been doing well after the move. I've come to terms with a lot of things that have happened in my past, and although I will never forget what I've been through, I forgive everyone who mistreated or misled me along the way. Not for them, but for myself. As I mentioned earlier, no one has the power to change the past, but we all have the power to change the future.
I've learned from important people that all you can do is your best, and you have to keep on going. I may not have a lot right now but what I do have I'm extremely grateful for. sure there are times when I look back and wish that things could have turned out differently, or have dreams about graduating with my high school class. Even though I wish that my life could have been perfect, It wasn't, and I'm not special because of that. We all wish there were times when we could have gone back and changed the events that unfolded.
I live all over Alabama, We've been trying to find our forever (or at least for now) home, So we've lived everywhere from small towns to big cities so far. I spend most of my time working on projects like this website and all that goes into it. I also dedicate a large portion of my life to making videos and entertaining online.
Currently, I live with my partner SSBMagy (HE), whose works are featured alongside mine on this page. Our work in some ways represents ourselves or a portion of our own lives.
Like I mentioned earlier, I love exploring the human mind and the only real ethical way to do that is to create your human. I live, or at least I strive to live traditional life, With the man being the breadwinner, and the woman staying home to cook, clean and sew. I don't currently have any plans to become a mother, If I did it'd have to be through adoption which I'm skeptical about as an adopted child myself still trying to discover my own identity. Adoption is a wonderful thing, but hard to approach as a parent. Additionally, a part of me admires the idea of carrying your child, and them being a part of your being and self. I understand my idea of womanhood might be controvercial, but theres nothing wrong with wanting to work and be sucessful in buisness as a woman, this is just personally how i'd like to live my life. Someday id like to live in a small house in a nice, small town in Alabama or at least down south. One where there is lots of natural beauty and far away from the city.
I like a lot of stuff, most obviously I love Perfect Dark and Perfect Dark Zero (By extension, retro games.) My favorite band of all time is Interpol, I love almost all of their songs. I hope someday I can see them in concert. They were recently in my area, but tickets were at least 500 dollars, for the worst seat in the house. And it wasn't Interpol playing, they were just opening for the band The Smashing Pumpkins.
My favorite color is red because it's sharp, mysterious, and deep.
I love studying Renaissance era artwork and classic art from throughout human history. It's interesting to see art that broke "the rules" of the time, and art that was commissioned to never be seen by the public. Art can be like reading the thoughts of people. Words and Paint are the only way we can vocalize what is happening in our minds. (at least until recently when machines reading minds became a thing.)
Smallville & Drake and Josh are my favorite television shows.
My favorite movie is Detachment with Adrien Brody
I love the nighttime, it's so calm and serene, and there's something eerie about it that I love. I love all eerie things and make me uncomfortable. They say art is to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable. I also love liminal spaces, if you don't know what that is I recommend you look it up, it's very interesting.
I'm also in love with thrifting. If I could buy everything I own from the thrift store, I would. Not only are you buying an object for 1/3 of what you'd normally purchase it for or less, but often with it comes its own little project, like restoring a controller to its original glory, painting and modifying a shelf to match your home, it's something I enjoy doing. Plus, it's good for the environment and your wallet. People give away lots of things, especially brand-new things.
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